well the time finally came to meet the demons with john and leslie. i was terrified in that calm kind of way and it took at least half of the session to start breaking through. my body was shaking, my stomach palpitating and body getting tense and hot. i very much felt like linda blair in the exorcist as it was all i could relate to. working though the images of having to physically have sex with ............, mainly through teenage fumbling, fighting and resentful attempts to bring her to ..........; full of loathing, hatred, fear and total confusion i finally worked my memories through to the other side where surprisingly the pain really lay. this side was my withdrawal, flight to my own bed and lying there terrified and ashamed knowing that i could never share this moment and act with any other person in the world. the pain lay in this knowledge that i would forever have to keep this terrible secret and be totally alone with my guilt and shame and confusion. i wept with sorrow, relief and sadness. leslie brought me safely back to reality and safety sharing with me the knowledge that this pain can now be shared with her and john. i walked out into the daylight to meet v with a feeling of utter relief knowing that even though there will surely be more pain the secret is at last out of its very dark corner.
posted by Bob Percival @ 2:29 AM
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